dating
by Novacain22
Summary: Squee tries to help Johnny get a date with Devi.


Dan: My world is as black as the sky when the clouds move over the moon. The tears that come down my eyes are colder than the dead pale skin of my loved ones who have fallen. Therefore I dedicate this one to my loved ones.

Disclaimer: I do not own Johnny The Homicidal Maniac or anything that has to do with it including characters, places, or anything else that even could have been refrenced in the Squee comics or Invader Zim. I also do not own anything that has to do with Squee or Invader Zim.

"There is no more life anymore" said Nny banging his head on his window. Nail Bunny's head still floating around following him trying to calm him down.

"Johnny, everything will be ok" nail bunny looked around. Some how the decapitated bunny was able to pick up a round red ball. " cheer up Johnny, look what I have...!"

Nny doesn't look up.

"Come on Johnny, let me see a huge smile." he still doesn't move. Nail bunny throws the ball at Johnny making a small high pitch squeak. " Screw it I tried."

Every night Johnny would bang his head on his window. This night was different, his feelings went even beyond suicide. He needed to talk to someone...someone who would never judge him...someone he could open up to that wouldn't throw a rubber ball at him.

meanwhile at house 779, squee was sound asleep in his bed...but not for long. Nny walked in the room making squeaking noises on the floor with every step he took.

"squee" squee slowly wakes up and sees the crazy neighbor man.

" What...What...SSSSSSSSSQQQQQQQQQUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" screamed the little boy."

" I really need to talk to you squee" he sits beside the bed. " You see, I get so tired of being alone" puts his hand on squee's shoulder. "and I really need to have someone to hold, hug, kiss and share a bed with if you know what I mean"

Squee gets EXTREAMLY uncomfortable, and looks at Nny. "Is he trying to get me to do thing with him? Like in those movies I saw daddy watching?" he thought.

Nny suddenly realizes the sexual puzzle pieces and takes his hands off of Squee. " I mean other people. Sorry if I just scared the shi...(suddly realizes how young Squee is)...cra...poop out of you.

"Please help me squee will you?"

It was a long time before anybody said anything. Nny made a couple of coughs and squee kept smacking his lips.

"………did you have a girl in mind?" asked squee still very nervous.

"Yeah, I was thinking of asking that girl that works in the bookstore."

"Devi?"

"Yeah, that's her!" after a long discussion about Nny's situation, squee saw him as a person instead of the guy that runs over squirrels every chance he gets. He was no longer scared.

"So are you going to ask her to a movie?

" I guess. I don't know (he stands up off the bed) I'm too nervous.

"Pretend she's a Taco."

"Ohhhhhhh yyyyeeeaaaah……..hard on the outside, meaty and delicious on the inside."

"Good, you got it umm….(suddenly realizes that he has never called Nny, Nny or Johnny) Nny. Ok, pretend she's a taco and you're the hot sauce"

"Ok, I shall take her back to my pad and pour my hot liquid all over her taco!"

"NO! NO! Down boy."

" ok"

Nny was so glad to have a friend like squee. And squee was so glad to have a friend that wasn't the son of the devil. Although squee wondered about Nny and if he had any relations with pepito or the devil.

"So when are you going to ask her out?"

"umm….I'm too nervous….I…I can't"

"Taco"

"Tomorrow! I shall ask her tomorrow!

Nny had thoughts like he was the new president. He started to walk out.

"Were are you going Nny?"

(talking in a strong deep muscular voice) I'm going home to take a huge dump."

Squee and Nny were outside the books. They look in to see Devi licking the ranch dressing off of a carrot behind the counter.

Nny watch and watch. "I wish I was there."

"You wish you were licking the carrot?"

"NO! I wish Iwas the carrot! (sigh) your just to young to understand."

"To understand what? That it looks like she's…(is interrupted)"

"Shhh, she's coming"

Devi walks over to Nny.

"Can I help you. You're blocking the entrance."

Suddenly Nny realizes his head is still through the door. He walks in and backs into a shelf.

"Can I help you sir."

"Um yeah, (back still against the shelf) I just came by to pick up a copy of umm…(picks up any random book from behind his back and reads the cover) THE JOY OF SEX…"

"What do you want you perve?

"I just wanted to talk to you."

"Me, why me?"

(he stands up strait)" I just wanted…ummm…"

Squee walks by and suddly whispers very loudly "TACO!"

"I just wanted to spray my hot sauce on your wrapped meat!"

2 days later

Squee and Nny walk up to squees room.

"Cheer up big guy, the she didn't kick your ass that hard. The doctor said that you will be limping a little bit in the legs and have some blood in the urine."

"I just don't get it! (lays down on squees bed) what did I do wrong?"

"What didn't you do wrong"

"(sigh)"

"Come on we will try again tomorrow. I got a plan. Now you seem hungry after a rough 2 days, how about something to eat. What do you want?"

Johnny slowly opens his eyes to the blurry world. He looks at squee and slowly whispers "Taco's"

Nny and squee sat in the booth next to the window in taco hell. They both got the same thing: 5 burritoes with everything and 55 packets of hot sauce. Extra extra extra EXTRA hot.

The began eating faster than a fat kid running for McDaniel's.

"So squee, what's your plan?"

"Oh, well I'm going to put a device in your ear and I'm going to have a microphone and I'm going to talk in to it and tell you everything to say."

"Hey thasts….Oh….oh god"

"Wha….oh…I feel it to."

They look at the all the hot sauce packets they used. Squee started to cry. "I'm gonna crap my pants!" he race toward the bathroom.

"Damn, I'm right behind you buddy!" races toward the bathroom and relized something. Taco hell bathrooms only have one toilet.

"Oh….shit….." he thought hard, but not to hard. He walked in the women's bathroom. He raced the only toleit and crap when everywhere. Although there is a couple details that happen when men have to crap.

You go blind where you can't see except looks like a toilet.

Once you make that first squeeze and just had 55 packets of extra extra extra EXTRA hot sauce, you not going to stop.

You don't care about anything but your but and hope you don't crap you liver out.

Your brain stops working.

In this case all of those apply. Because it wasn't until he tried to flush the toilet, when he relized he just craped all over Devi.

"Um…..Hi"

"HO…HO….HOLY….SHIT!"

Nny runs out and goes in the men's room to get squee forgetting he was taking a crap. He just ran in there, picked him up and ran home, not caring that squee was craping all over him.

12 minutes after they arrive in squee's room

"I can't believe you crapped all over Devi"

Nny was laying face down on the floor. "At least the taco's were good. And I didn't shit my brains out."

"WHAT BRAINS! YOU JUST TOOK A DIEARREA ON THE GIRL OF YOUR DREAMS!"

"yeah but at least the.."

"I swear to God if you say at least the taco's were good one more time."

After a week of self-pity, Nny finally goes to the bookstore with squee's device in order to apologias.

He walks in the books store and turns on the devise while sneaky Squee sneaks behind a shelf.

Nny walk slowly and nervously, and finally got up to her after a long merge of slow motion walking. Of course it kind of looked gay!

"Ok, now say 'Hi Devi'"

"Hi Devi" Nny said slowly.

"Hi."

"Ok, now say 'sorry about the whole shitting on you thing'"

"WHAT?" Nny screamed.

"Excuse me?" Devi said in shock.

Whispering "Squee, help…"

"Ok, ok. But remember. You have to say exactly as I do. No more what's got it?"

still whispering. "Yeah."

Devi felt kind of weird having a sort of conversation with a man talking into his right ear.

" Ok…say ( ah book drops on his foot) AHHHHH SHIT!

"AHHH SHIT!"

"The hell?" Devi was shocked.

Still rubbing his foot, Squee sees some guys outside laughing at him.

"STOP LOOKING AT ME SQUEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"Nny are you ok?"

"STOP LOOKING AT ME SQUEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Devi was about to smack him in the face when all of a sudden he yells "GET OUT OF MY BRAIN YOU PIECE OF SHIT!"

Squee was shocked. "I didn't tell you to say that."

"I thought the moment needed something. (rips out the devise) Devi, look I have been wanting to ask you to a movie or something."

"I would love to!"

Squee was mesmerized. "So all I have to do to get a girl is to scream a bunch of stupid shit, and crap all over the place?"

They went to see the movie Space Time 5 put from the hallucination from the popcorn, Nny thought he was watching telebuddys.

After the movie he invited Devi over to his house. He wanted to……you know….show her his……….baseball cards.

After the round of baseball cards, Devi said she should go, as this date was getting nowhere. Squee knocked on the door to help.

"Help me I lost my mommy, may I please talk to (sniff) Mr. Johnny please, Oh God! SQUEEEE!"

"Ok, I'll give you to some time alone."

"Squee, what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm here to help. Ask her to a game of pin tail"

"Pin tail? What the hell is.."

"Trust me, You should know how to do this. Right?"

"well ah…….ummm…..see….Squee…I'm sort of a ….virgin."

"……………….."

"Well, you see, High Skool was never really something for me to finish. Or start. I haven't even have a girlfriend."

"……………….."

"Devi is my first date"

"……………….." ( just for the stupid ones out there, Squee is surprised )

"Umm………..Squee?"

"Ok, we'll fix that."

"What do you know about sex?"

Its simple, just do exactly as I say. You see, I saw daddy and a girl called a pros it toot in his car. All you do is say lets play pin tail. Then talk about money for three hours, then put you pennenis in her vaginna. Then give her three-hundred dollars."

"Is it really that simple?"

"yeah, now go do it. Meet me at my room when you're done."

three hours and 45 minutes later in Squee's room

Nny walks in crying.

"How did it go?"

"She didn't like it."

He sat next to Squee on his bed.

"Well tell me what happened."

"ok. Well I got her in bed, we were naked. I kept bringing up money as long as I could, but it didn't last three hours. More like 8 minuets actually. Then we had weird ass sex for like three hours."

"Wait, what do mean by strange."

"I swore I wouldn't tell anybody. Anyway, she got tired, and I said sorry that I couldn't keep up the money topic as long as the sex. She looked at me as weird as she did when she saw that I have only one testical I lost during the war."

"……….whoa………you……were in the war?"

"…a war with myself, so anyway I…"

"You lost a ball from a war with yourself?"

"Yeah, don't worry, I stopped the pot. Anyway, I asked her if it felt incomplete. She asked me what the hell I was talking about. Then I remembered I had to give her three-hundred. Then I remembered that I didn't have the money. So I wrote her a check. When she left it came to me. I don't have a checking account. (sigh)."

"Please go……."

"ok."

Nny heads home through the tunnel in Squee's basement. Not another word was spoken about this mess and the very next day, a guy called him the walking stick man of fags and Nny went back on his killing. But Nny couldn't help but to think of how fun this had been for the both of them. Now it was over. Nny smiled and said:

"Hell yah!"


End file.
